


Solace

by TamChronin



Series: One Big Happy Disaster [1]
Category: Cardcaptor Sakura
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-10-10
Updated: 2002-10-10
Packaged: 2019-06-11 14:14:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15317262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamChronin/pseuds/TamChronin





	1. Chapter 1

"Chotto matte, Li-kun."

Li Syaoran paused, waiting for the other boy to catch up. "What do you want Hiiragizawa-kun? I'm not in the mood for games, not after--"

Eriol just looked at him with flat, understanding eyes. "Let's leave. I don't want to be here any more than you do."

Syaoran nodded and they walked away together.

The pair finally reached the park and Syaoran paused on the middle of the bridge, looking out over the water. "I knew she was clueless, but I didn't know anyone could be that oblivious. 'Oh, Syaoran, I'm sorry I never told you, but I didn't really love you that way. You're like a brother to me. I'm sorry I can't marry you.'" He quoted in a falsetto. Then he growled and pulled out the ring, glaring at it with enough intensity that anything less than a diamond would have shattered.

Eriol reached over and closed the jewelry box carefully. "Diamonds are easy to curse, Li-kun, and you were starting to give me a headache."

Syaoran started to turn his glare on Eriol, but realized that he  _was_  projecting his negative energy rather intensely and decided he needed to cool off. He closed his eyes and concentrated on slowing down his breathing while trying to picture calm scenes. All he could see was Sakura's face as she smiled sweetly and shattered his heart. His hands were balled into fists, and no amount of trying resulted in relaxing them. "It's no good. I'm just too angry!"

Eriol simply nodded and then reached a cool hand over to Syaoran's forehead. The brush of Eriol's fingers sent a reluctant shiver down Syaoran's spine, and then a cooling influence overcame him and calmed him. Eriol then gave him a slight half-smile before looking off in the distance. "That should help for a while, until you can talk it out and come to terms with it. I know it was rude of me to do that without asking, but I really was getting a headache from it."

Syaoran just shook his head and frowned. "It's okay. I hate being that out of control. It makes me feel like I'm ten again and fighting for everything. I hated that you know."

"I remember. That's why you hated me so much, isn't it?"

Syaoran just looked in the distance in silence for a while. He glanced at Eriol's face quickly, the returned his gaze to whatever it was he had been looking at before. He finally shook his head. "No, that was just the magic. I didn't like your ex either."

Eriol chuckled. "And all this time I thought it was because you thought you'd have to fight me for Sakura's affection. If I had known the truth I would have told Clow's chi to shove off."

"Cute." Syaoran fought to scowl a few moments more, but he found a grin forming on his face.

"So, you hated  _everyone_  with magic at first?"

Syaoran actually blushed at that question. "Sakura-san, her brother, your ex, you...all but one, yeah."

Eriol frowned in confusion. "You liked Sakura-chan at first?"

"No," he admitted slowly. "The list was everyone I hated at first. The one I didn't hate isn't on the list."

There was a long silence as Eriol tried to figure out who they had known with magic at the time that wasn't on the list. "I don't--"

Syaoran sighed and continued as if he hadn't heard Eriol. "To be fair, I hated the plush toy guardians and your butterfly girl too."

"Oh." Eriol felt like he was missing something obvious. Then he realized. "Oh!"

"Yeah. Only, at first I didn't have any idea that Tsukishiro-san had magic." Syaoran was blushing so hard it felt like his skin would catch fire.

Eriol merely smiled. "That's nothing. You didn't have to be around him with Clow's memories of...Yue. I had to pretend that whole time that I didn't know a thing, but every time I saw Tsukishiro-san or Yue the memories, well, it was, I mean, it was difficult."

"Nani?"

"Clow and Yue had been...lovers. For a very long time." It was Eriol's turn to blush and keep his eyes trained in the distance.

Syaoran chuckled softly from deep in his chest. "I guess that answers that question?"

Eriol looked a little panicked as he turned to look at Syaoran. "Which question?"

"When I was younger I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I kept wondering, after Tsukishiro-san and Kinomoto-san started dating, what would Yue-san think? Did he enjoy it, or was he trapped inside his false form, doing things he didn't want. It bothered me, but I figured it was their problem and not mine."

Eriol nodded with a smile. "I suppose I'm the only one who really knows how similar Tsukishiro-san is to Yue. Even around Keroberus Yue wasn't that warm, but when it was just Clow, well..." He trained off, blushing again.

"It must be strange for you," Syaoran noted seriously. "I can't even imagine what it would be like to walk around with memories of a past life that strong."

"Iie. How could it be strange when I don't know anything different from what I am? Though, I do have to admit that it feels a little crowded in here sometimes. But, they're just memories. There were times when everything happened with the cards that I felt intruded upon, like there was someone else inside of me, but now they're just memories."

"I still can't imagine what it would be like to be you."

"Be thankful for that, Li-kun. It hasn't exactly been easy."

Syaoran pulled out the jewelry box again and opened it. "I suppose no life is easy to live really. We all have our challenges to meet."

They both stared at the ring in silence. The winter air was crisp between them, but neither really noticed the chill. Finally Eriol brought up the reason they were out there in the first place. "I can't believe she did that to you. You two have been a couple for almost ten years, and she  _just now_  realized that she doesn't love you like that? How could she do that to you?"

"She was probably right," Syaoran admitted heavily.

"What do you mean?"

"We were just kids when I declared my love for her, and she was still heartbroken about finding out the guy she had a crush on loved her brother. Neither of us thought about it, we were just so young that falling in love seemed the thing to do, and falling in love with each other was just expected. We worked together so many times with so many things and we both had magic so didn't have to hide things from each other. After my mother met Sakura-san she mentioned how the clan would be strengthened by the influx of such magic, and she pointed out how sweet and innocent Sakura-san was, and how I could do worse..." He paused to issue a sigh. "I know that by the time I bought this ring I was doing it because it was expected. Dating Sakura-san was a duty, even if it had been a pleasant one." His voice betrayed the lingering bitterness, but a shake of the head seemed to dislodge the emotion. "I was fooling myself. Ten years ago I may have been in love, but today I was going through the motions. I do love her, but it's not the same emotion it used to be."

"That's similar to how Kaho and I were until last year. We had just grown apart and we woke up one day and realized that the people we had become weren't in love with each other. There was a lot of bitterness and resentment for the change, but it wasn't her fault any more than it was mine. We're finally on speaking terms again by the way, but I don't think we'll ever be friends again."

Syaoran finally pocketed the ring again. The sun was sinking in the sky and he had been spending half his year in Hong Kong and wasn't used to the cold of Tomoeda. He shivered, pulling his long coat tighter around his body and shoving his hands deep into his pockets. Crisp puffs of white breath were showing clearly against the darkening landscape and he realized how long they had been out in the weather. "It's time to head home I think. It's freezing out here." Syaoran threw the words out, but neither seemed particularly eager to do anything about it. Finally, Syaoran shrugged. "My place is closer if you'd like some tea or soup or something."

"Yes, but I have a fireplace." Eriol grinned. "By now it will already be started, and nothing warms you faster than a good old fashioned fire."

"Thanks. I don't think I want to go back to my apartment right now anyway. Too many memories."

They walked in silence, each following their own train of thoughts. When they reached Eriol's mansion Ruby Moon was nowhere in sight and Spinel Sun was pulling a book from the library. Sure enough a large fire was roaring in the fireplace, and the room was just warm enough to thaw Syaoran from the cold. Spinel disappeared upstairs and Eriol offered his guest the most comfortable chair in the house--the one he had "inherited" from Clow Reed.

"Demo--isn't this your favorite chair?"

Eriol nodded.

"Arigatou, but the couch looks just as comfortable. I don't want to deprive you of your seat."

Eriol smiled and simply said, "I'll go get some tea and snacks. Just wait here, I'll be back."

Syaoran sat on the couch and watched the flames dancing in their stone prison. There were images in there waiting to become visions of the future, but Syaoran refused to let the magic manifest. Right now he just didn't want to know what the future had in store, he didn't want to be reminded of the past, he just wanted to sit here in the present and appreciate the warmth and the fire.

When Eriol returned he sat next to Syaoran on the couch. They ate and drank their tea in silence, but Syaoran noticed that his companion was shaking a little. They had been inside too long for his dark-haired friend to still be chilled from the winter weather, so Syaoran decided to ask a question. "Eriol-san, you said that Yue and Clow had been lovers. Have you ever, well--have you ever thought of another man like that? Ever been interested in--"

Eriol interrupted with a shaky laugh. "Yes, sometimes it's hard  _not_  to with the memories I've got. Not that I think it's just because Clow had been...well...so inclined. I have my own share of feelings like that. I just, I think that the memories kept me from hiding from that part of me with denial." Eriol looked deep into Syaoran's eyes, clearly using a large reserve of his willpower to do so. "How about you? Aside from Tsukishiro-san, did you ever feel like that?"

"All magic aside, why do you think I hated you so much back then?" Syaoran was blushing, but he managed to reach over and hold Eriol's hand in his own. The feeling hit them both like electricity and neither moved to free their hands for a long time. That's all they did that night, but it was enough under the circumstances. It was enough to remind them what being in love was about.


	2. Escape

Eriol smiled sadly. He knew it had been too good to be true. He let the phone ring for a full five minutes before hanging up and walking away. He had been Syaoran's port in the storm, but morning light had chased the clouds away and Eriol was alone again. He had been calling all morning, feeling that something was troubling his "cute little descendent". He didn't know for sure why he was so aware of Syaoran's emotional state, but the feelings were unmistakable.

And since Syaoran wasn't returning Eriol's calls, he was positive the feelings were about him.

"Ruby Moon, Spinel Sun, our work here is done. It's time to pack up and return to England for a while since the wedding won't be happening. I just hope Sakura can find her happiness somewhere."

"Ne? What about your happiness? I thought that you and Syaoran-kun--" Ruby broke off suddenly, confused why Eriol was so mad at her.

"You know what? Forget it. We'll go shopping when we get home. I want to take the next plane away from here, no matter where it's headed. If we're plane hopping for a week to get back home, then we obviously needed the vacation." Eriol grabbed a few things he would need quickly, then left without a second glance. He could hire movers for everything later, or he could keep this place for a second home the way he had been. He would just make sure to never be here the same time Syaoran was. The magic items were all that mattered, and the magic items were all he grabbed in his hurry.

 

Syaoran was trying very hard not to be disturbed. Or, for a more accurate description, disgusted. He really had no right to after last night, but for some reason the situation before him was a lot harder to accept.

"So you--you rejected my proposal so you could be with Daidouji-san?"

"No! I mean, I know that's how it looks, but Syaoran--"

"What?"

Sakura was immediately cowed by his look. "Gomen nasai, Li-san. I thought we could still be friends, but I guess that's not an option and I'm so sorry because I really do love you, just not like that anymore."

A moment of guilt washed over him as the tears started falling down her face. It wasn't as if they had meant to flaunt their relationship in front of him, he had just run into them when he had decided to buy Eriol a present. He was about to apologize and offer a handkerchief to Sakura to wipe away her tears when Tomoyo hugged her girlfriend and rounded on Syaoran fiercely.

"She's been agonizing over how to let you go without hurting you for  _weeks_  and then you spring this on her at her father's birthday and make a huge scene! Now you can't let her find some little bit of solace? Let me tell you,  _gaki_ , Sakura doesn't deserve you taking the high and mighty path with her anymore. So, you can just take back that little teddy bear you were going to use to win her back, and leave us alone!"

Syaoran glared. "I'm more than done giving teddy bears to her. This was for someone--else..." He finished lamely as the two girls stared at him in horror.

"Oh! So Sakura-chan can't move on, but you can? Is that what this is about?"

Tomoyo was working herself into a rage, and it was Sakura who saved him at the last minute. Sakura cupped Tomoyo's face and gave her a sweet kiss, silencing and stunning the other girl. Syaoran stared, feeling his heart being torn in two all over again despite the words he had spoken to Eriol yesterday. Sakura finally broke off the kiss and ripped his heart further by smiling at him from around her new girlfriend. "Run, silly. She'll skin you alive if you don't get out of here."

He sighed heavily, walking away. He paid for the teddy bear quickly, still troubled by what he had seen and his own reaction to it. Why should it matter so much? He should be happy for Sakura for finding love so fast and he should see that he was totally free to follow the new pullings of his heart. Still, there was pain and there was regret. And there was still love for his Sakura who would always be the first one he had loved with all his heart.

As he walked he noticed that the world was being coated in a pepper of snow. He hadn't expected it since there had been no hint of a warning, but he enjoyed it as he walked. He smiled, remembering the warmth of the fireplace last night and the even more effective warmth of Eriol's smile. He had a lot of healing to do before he would be a good enough boyfriend for someone as special as Eriol, but he had grown patient over the years, especially in matters of the heart. It was with pure joy in his heart that he rounded the corner to Eriol's house, but even without using his magic he knew it had been abandoned. It looked the same, but there were no signs of life at all.

He quickly pulled out his cell phone, cursing himself for keeping it off all the time as he fumbled with his gloves on to depress the on button hard enough. Eriol's phone number had been disconnected. He panicked and called the next number he knew by heart. "Sakura-san! You have to help me! Something's happened to Eriol. He's gone without a trace, no warning, nothing! Something bad must have happened."

He listened for a moment, the panic rising higher as Sakura tried to calm him down.

"No! There's no feeling of magic at all around here, not even his. You have to help me!"

He heard more words through the speaker, but none of them were reassuring. He shook his head a few times, but silently listened to her words, unsure of his voice.

"Of course. You're right. It's not like he's never left without warning before. No, there's no special reason, I just expected to see him today, but we didn't make any plans, so it must be nothing. I didn't mean to worry you. Yes, I'll talk to you later." When he hung up he turned glassy eyes to the house before him. The front gate had been chained with care. That was an obvious sign that Eriol had left deliberately and didn't plan on being back soon.

Syaoran realized that there could be only one reason Eriol had run like that. To avoid Syaoran and the things they had talked about last night. He must have had second thoughts, or had been too polite to laugh in Syaoran's face at his silly suggestion of loving a man like that. If it  _had_  been only Clow that was interested in men, but Eriol hadn't thought it through, that might explain everything.

No. He was searching for excuses. He was hunting for reasons why Eriol would abandon him. Trying to excuse the other man's behavior. That much shouldn't matter right now. What mattered was that in less than twenty-four hours he had been rejected twice by the two people he thought he could count on most. Syaoran and Eriol had been friends for years, almost like brothers including the friendly rivalry and occasional fighting. He had never admitted to anyone that he felt so strongly for the other man, but over time that had become immaterial until...until last night.

His feet carried him back home automatically. He called his mother and arranged to return home within the week. He called the few friends he still had left in Tomoeda next, wishing them full and happy lives and assuring them that he'd call and write. Emptiness settled in the pit of his stomach. He was going home, a shattered shell of who he thought he had been only a day before.

 

Eriol wandered around his old home with a blank stare on his face. Everything was just the way he left it, the way he thought of as home, but it was just as cold and uninviting as it had been a year before when Kaho had finally left. That empty feeling had driven him away to Tomoeda where he had been so happy before. He wondered if he'd ever feel at home anywhere ever again.

Ruby came up to him and placed a reassuring arm around her master's shoulders. "You ready to talk about it yet?"

"Not really, no."

"You'll tell me when you are though, right?"

He sighed heavily. "Maybe." He offered her a weak smile.

"I was listening, master." She admitted it hesitantly, afraid of his reaction.

"I'm not too surprised. Wait, I take that back. I am surprised that you didn't burst in and shout for joy, and right now I'm very glad you didn't."

Her usual enthusiasm returned. "It was  _so hard_  not to! He's a total baka for not letting you call him. If you weren't my master, and if we hadn't already had this talk, I would adore you for eternity."

Eriol winced, but kept in mind that her heart was in the right place. "No, I would never want to hurt you like Clow hurt Yue. Thank you though. That's very sweet of you."

She embraced him tightly, then released him with a smile. "I'll be here when you need me. Unless I've gone shopping that is. Then I'll be here a few hours after you need me." She gave him a wink before walking off and leaving him to his thoughts.

He would survive this just like he had survived everything else. It was only an old crush resurfaced for a night after all, nothing to get worked up about. He should be thankful that things hadn't gone further actually. It was better that the possibility had been set aside so soon, otherwise when things fell apart it would hurt a lot more.

But, if he really believed that, why had he run to England rather than face Syaoran's rejection directly? Why had he left so quickly without leaving word or saying goodbye?

He turned his back on those thoughts and walked up to his room. Surely, if he could sleep, he could spend at least a few hours of the day without so much pain.

 

The first thing Syaoran did when he returned home was invite Meilin to his house. They had become such close friends over the years that he couldn't think of anyone else he wanted to see. She had already heard about what happened with Sakura, and came over ready to say horrible things about her old childhood friend if it would get him to feel better.

"I swear, I'll never speak to her again for breaking your heart like this, Syaoran. I can't believe she would be such a fool to let you go! She wasn't  _this_  stupid before, but now!"

Syaoran smiled and shook his head. "It's okay Meilin. I'm not so hurt about Sakura anymore. She was right. It hurts, but I can get over it...even if I did have to see her and Tomoyo kissing." He sighed.

"Well, that was rude at least. But Syaoran, you're still broken hearted! I can tell! If it's not Sakura, then who?"

He scowled. "It's nothing."

"You can't lie to me! I've known you longer than anybody, and something is very wrong, and you need to tell me!"

He considered that enough persuasion to unburden his soul. "Meilin, I did fall in love with someone else. With--a guy."

"Oooh! Your mother is going to throw a fit! I never thought you'd be so daring!"

"You're not shocked? Disgusted? You don't hate me?"

She giggled and gave him a triumphant look. "Why should I? When I found out about Sakura's brother and his boyfriend I was shocked, but when I visited and saw them together they were so cute! I thought about it, seriously, and decided that I wouldn't be shocked by anything like that. And...when Sakura called earlier today with her news I was happy for her and Tomoyo too. I would never think less of you for that, even if your mom will disown you. I think she's only worried about bringing more magic into the family, and you can't have children to pass your magic on to if you don't have a woman. That's her problem though, love is much more important."

"But...he didn't love me back."

"Oh no! He said that? That's terrible!"

"No, he said he liked me back. We held hands for hours and talked, but when I went back the next day to give him a teddy bear he was gone. He had left the country without telling anybody."

At this Meilin gasped. She wrapped him up in one of her bone-crushing hugs and held him close. "Who was it Syaoran?"

He hesitated a moment, then leaned his head into his shoulder. He felt the tears begin as he spoke the name. "Hiiragizawa Eriol."

"I knew he could be cold and calculating, but I didn't think he'd be this cruel. He's an idiot for even thinking about not loving you."

"Thanks Meilin." They held each other for a while longer before they calmed down enough to talk about the more boring aspects of Tomoeda. She wanted to hear  _everything!_  Talking about it all reminded him that there were still good things in life. The pain wasn't everything, and there were still reasons for him to visit the place that made him happy.

Really, why should it hurt? So he had admitted to having a crush on a guy he used to hate. That's it. Some day, if they ever spoke to each other, they would laugh about the foolishness of it all.

Right?


	3. Interlude: Meeting of the Minds

"And now, my kawaii Sakura-chan, I have you right where I want you!"

"T-Tomoyo-chan! No! Not the feet! PLEASE! Let me go!"

"Not a chance! And if you don't tell me what that letter said I will pick the brightest shade of pink I own and make you wear the green sandals and dress!"

"Why couldn't you just threaten to tickle my feet like a  _normal_  person?"

"Would you be my girlfriend if I were normal?"

"Tomoyo! I love you because you are you!"

"So. In other words, no!"

"Tomoyo-chan!"

"Okay, okay, what color? And don't spare me any details on the letter or I'll mess up."

"I like that gold right there, with a layer of silver on top. That will go with the new dress you made."

"Oh! You sound so shy and sweet! And--you're blushing! Does that mean you'll wear the dress? Tonight? Really? Thank you!"

"Anything to make you happy, Tomoyo-chan."

"Stop! If I start kissing you now we'll lose another hour and then have to scramble to get ready. Besides, I don't want to smudge your toes. So. Letter. Now."

"He still sounds so depressed, but he says over and over that I shouldn't blame myself and reassures me that it's not because of me and he wants me to be happy. He won't confide in me still, but he finally asked me if I had heard from Eriol-kun."

"Well, that's a start at least. We can't betray Meilin's confidence in us, and the same for Nakuru-san, but how are we going to fix this?"

"We need to find an excuse to get them back to Tomoeda at the same time."

"How? Nakuru-san said that Eriol-kun refused to come back if he thought Syaoran-kun even might be here."

"I don't know. We don't even know why Eriol-kun left in the first place. Maybe we should get him to come here first, convince him to stay, and then have Meilin-chan bring Syaoran-kun here for a surprise visit!"

"You're a genius Sakura-chan! That's a wonderful idea!"

"Demo...demo...how do we get Eriol-kun back here?"

"Tell him we all miss him very much and beg him to return? That's how I got him back last time when I found out Mizuki-sensei had left him. He stayed because I--he was the one I poured my heart to about you when I thought you'd never love me like this. I thought that was the reason he left, because I didn't need him anymore, until we got that letter from Nakuru-san."

"Should we get him here by telling him you and I had a fight?"

"I don't think that would work this time, Sakura-chan."

"Good, I don't think I could stand pretending we hated each other."

"Me either. I hope we never do that."

"So how do we get him here?"

"Hmmm...how about a magic problem."

"I don't know, Tomoyo-chan. It would be dangerous to fake anything big enough to bring him here."

"So, we just try asking him over and over and over and have everyone write to him to try to bring him back until he returns?"

"Hai! The more simple we keep this, the less can get messed up."


	4. Caving In

Eriol eagerly tore open the letter from his best friend, hoping against hope that she wouldn't also be begging him to return. Tomoyo had always been the understanding one with the extra serving of compassion to go around. Surely she would know what was behind this madness and would tell him it was okay to stay home if he wanted.

No such luck, of course.

She admitted right away that she had started the letter writing campaign. They really did miss him, and he had so many friends in Tomoeda, she thought that when he had returned last time he would be there to stay, and she was really hurt that he had left. She didn't know what was wrong, but she wanted to be there for him.

He had been gone six months. He heard from various sources that Syaoran had also left and hadn't been back. And really, he didn't have anything holding him in England. It had just been  _less_  painful for a while to return. He was starting to think of the old loneliness he had felt here, and realized that either home would contain an empty spot to place his heart in. At least in Tomoeda he would have people who knew him and accepted him for who he was--as Eriol  _and_  as the reincarnation of Clow Reed. It was a secret he couldn't share with many, and a secret he only wanted to share with a chosen few. It was also a wall around his heart that he was sure would keep him alone forever.

Well, if he had to be alone, he could at least be alone among friends. He began making preparations to move back and only hoped that when Syaoran did to decide to visit for whatever reason it wouldn't be too painful.

 

"Meilin-chan, you have to get Syaoran-kun to come back. Guess who is moving back here?"

"Really? Finally? Moving? This is better than I thought!"

"I know! I didn't expect him to come back so soon, but if he's moving back for good that gives you a lot more time to convince Syaoran-kun to come for a visit. This is going to work so well!"

A man's voice from behind Meilin made both conspirators jump. "I don't think it will work so well."

"Syaoran! What are you doing here?"

"Meilin, next time you conspire against me with Daidouji-san you shouldn't use the speaker phone, leave your front door open, and shout so loud. I heard you from the front door."

"Is that who I think it is?" Tomoyo's voice was suddenly much more subdued. "Gomen, Li-kun. Meilin-chan has just been very worried about you."

"Daidouji-san, you are the last person I thought would be trying to help make me happy. Especially after what happened the last time we talked."

"If it helps you to accept my help, Li-kun, you can pretend that I'm just doing this for Meilin-chan. If, on the other hand, you're ready to accept that I'm old enough to not hold grudges against someone Sakura loves like family, you can accept that I'm genuinely concerned about you and Hiiragizawa-kun."

"Fine, you're right. It's just that  _he_  is the one that left  _me_  and the last thing I want to do is deal with being rejected like that again. I know your hearts are in the right places, but I don't think it will work. Thanks for trying."

Syaoran turned to leave, scowling at the thought of seeing Eriol again, but warmed that he had such good friends. He hadn't been much of a friend to anyone lately, but they were standing behind him anyway.

"Li-kun? Will you come visit anyway? Sakura-chan misses you a lot, and so do I actually. You can catch up with everyone from school and enjoy the weather we've been having. It's beautiful for mid-June."

His shoulders slumped and he stood still. He turned to meet Meilin's pleading eyes and sighed in resignation. "We'll be there soon. Just--don't expect miracles."

He heard a muffled conversation quickly, then Sakura's clear voice rang from the background. "Don't worry Syaoran! It will all work out fine!"

He walked from the room without another word, wanting to believe that Sakura's optimism was warranted, but terrified that he was about to make the biggest mistake of his life.

 

When the door opened everything looked just as it had when he had fled. That morning came rushing back to Eriol with a pang, but he set the memory aside quickly. Syaoran wasn't here this time. Eriol was at home, and as soon as he slept off the jet lag he would be surrounded by his best friends again. He had to dismiss the ghosts of the past in order to face the future again.

He unpacked those few things that he had taken, showered, and went straight to bed. He was too tired to keep his eyes open, but the thoughts that ran through his mind wouldn't let him sleep. More than once he had wondered if he had overreacted that morning. He had no proof that Syaoran's disgust that morning, his irritation, and his avoiding answering the phone had been a result of the night before. Every night as he drifted to sleep he gave in to the sweet torture of playing "what if" about that day. Usually he conjured sweet images to invoke pleasant dreams. Usually he fell asleep quickly with a happy sigh on his lips as dreams took shape of a happily ever after. He couldn't do that this time. He lost control of the pretend scenario. This time, the answer to "what if Syaoran really didn't hate me?" was not nearly as pleasant as he usually pretended it to be.

His dreams also took on a will of their own, leaving his attempts at lucid dreaming gasping in the dust. Usually it was so simple, so restful, but this time he was in endless turmoil. Two lifetimes of practicing control like this for magic did him no good this time. He knew he wasn't fighting it as hard a he should, he knew that with a true act of will he could put an end to his turmoil, but guilt was finally eroding his precious self control. His return to Tomoeda was going to be cathartic and emotional rather than a true homecoming. He welcomed it. He would finally heal at least, no matter how rough it was. In his dream he finally walked to the edge of the cliff himself instead of being chased off of it. He jumped. He fell.

He didn't wake up. Instead he was caught by someone else.

_How am I supposed to heal from the pain of losing him if you keep catching me? I jumped so I could get past this death. I can't keep dying it every night._

The words he said to the mysterious figure made sense to him, but that was just the nature of the dream. The mysterious figure merely shrugged.

_What if I don't want you to get past it? What if I don't want you to die this death. What if I want to die with you?_

_I can't die for you. You have to stop killing me. If you won't let me die this way I'll just find another._

_Then I will die by your side._

_NO!_

The force of the denial finally woke him up. Mid-morning light streamed in through the window across his bed, just missing his face. He stared out at the sky, gasping for breath, absorbing the dream. He could only understand it if he accepted one possibility. Syaoran was in Tomoeda. If he wasn't then it was just a dream he had lost control of because of the jet lag. If Syaoran was here though then the dream took on a whole new meaning.

Wearily, Eriol extended his awareness. He easily found Sakura's bright presence, glowing in his inner eye with her intense magic and true happiness. He could feel her startled awareness of his questing aura, then felt a greeting brush past him. He continued looking, finding his other friends easily and smiling at the warmth they all possessed. They weren't aware of him of course, but he cherished their weaker auras with as much affection as he did anyone else. The last one he found was Meilin. Her bright orange spark had a special significance to him as Clow's reincarnation because she was a descendant of his. The same spark had a special significance for him also as himself because she was Syaoran's cousin. Her being here now was not a coincidence.

He looked harder for Syaoran's aura, but found an empty space that would have meant nothing--if the people around the empty space didn't give it away by interacting with the empty space. They gave away his presence with their own.

_Sakura? Was it too much to ask for to have some period of adjustment? A little peace and quiet?_

_Eriol-san, whatever do you mean?_

He simply buried his head under his pillow. They were on their way over to visit him, now that Sakura knew he was home and awake. He had just enough time to shower and get dressed before they arrived.

 

Syaoran hung back behind the group of giggling girls. He couldn't think of anything more awkward than this particular situation. He was walking with his ex-fiancee, ex-girlfriend, and her girlfriend over to the house of a guy who had broken his heart. It was a stupid idea, the stupidest thing he had ever done after admitting his feelings to Eriol in the first place. And yet...when Sakura and Meilin smiled at him and assured him that it would be fine he could only follow and pray that they knew what they were doing.

Still, when they reached the front gate to Eriol's mansion he couldn't bring himself to walk on to the property. His mind's eye vividly recalled the chain and the empty look of the house the last time he had stood in this spot. His feet grew roots and he shook his head. He even opened his mouth to tell Sakura that he'd try this some other time later in the week, it was too much for right now, but he wasn't given a chance.

"Come on in.  _All_ of you." It was Eriol's voice, smooth as ever, touched with a hint of weariness but mostly amused. Mostly.

Syaoran's heart skipped a beat and he felt the blood rush to his face. With a tremendous effort he forced his feet to move forward and try to smile as he looked up. As soon as he saw Eriol's gently smiling face and the dark, mysterious eyes behind his glasses Syaoran felt like he couldn't breathe. The other man's presence hit him like a physical force. The world stood still for a painful moment and Syaoran couldn't decide if he was happier than ever before or miserable than ever.

Sakura was the first in line to throw her arms around Eriol and welcome him back. They smiled together, purely happy to see each other again. Tomoyo was just as enthusiastic in her greeting, telling him how wonderful it was that he had come home again. Meilin smiled a little more shyly, unsure because they had never been as close, but they came to a silent conclusion that a hug would be appropriate.

Syaoran's heart clenched painfully. He walked inside with a quiet "hello" and quickly busied himself with taking his shoes off. An uncomfortable silence settled over them all and Syaoran could almost feel everyone exchanging looks around him. They finally made their way to the dining room--the same dining room they had celebrated in all those years ago after Sakura had converted all the cards.

"Well, this brings back memories! Ne, Sakura-chan? Ne, Li-kun?" Tomoyo smiled enthusiastically at them both.

"Hai," Sakura immediately agreed as Nakuru walked in wearing the identical maid uniform she had worn before.

Syaoran just nodded, but sat on the other side of the table from where he had sat the first time. Meilin sat next to her cousin with a confused smile. "What memories," she asked, feeling a little left out.

Tomoyo and Sakura took turns explaining all that happened ten years ago and how that day had been so much like this one, but it was a farewell instead of a homecoming. Syaoran sat in silence, staring at the cup and saucer Nakuru had placed in front of him. He heard everyone talking so happily around him, but he couldn't even look up to join in with the conversation. He thought of all the differences between this time and that first time he had been in this room. Everyone had been so innocent back then. He had thought that the world's problems would be solved if only Sakura could say she loved him in return. He had thought that Eriol was an evil prick who had done terrible things to the girl of his dreams. He had thought Tomoyo was a silly but sweet girl who would always stand in the shadows and wait. He had thought that there were happily ever afters.

Today he knew better.

"I'm sorry. This was a huge mistake. I can't be here." Syaoran stood suddenly with his announcement, then bolted from the house. He could hear Meilin announcing that she would follow him, but he was already running outside.

He finally let her catch up with him at the park. The same silly, childish penguin slide stood in the middle of the playground, staring at him with eyes only a bit weather worn. Everything was so comfortingly the same and he felt like the world stood still here. This was his safety zone. This was where everything could be solved, resolved, and nothing was too hard to face. A lot had happened here, but this was the place where things always ended happily.

Well, maybe not. Still, it was a comforting place where some of the best parts of his childhood had happened. Being at this park gave him the emotional stability to face Meilin and even give her an apologetic smile.

"Syaoran," she scolded right away. "That was so rude!"

"No Meilin. Showing up there uninvited in the first place was rude. I couldn't take it anymore. I thought I could, but I was wrong."

"But he told you to come in," she argued.

"Of course he did. He's too nice not to. He could never be as...as rude as me." He sighed, shoulders slumping. "I'm sorry Meilin. I wasn't thinking. I let my emotions rule me again, and yet again I made a scene. I'm sorry for embarrassing you, and I'll apologize to Sakura and Tomoyo later too."

She hugged him tightly. "No, I'm sorry Syaoran," she said into his shoulder. "I shouldn't have pushed you to do something when you weren't ready. I just hate seeing you so sad all the time! I hate it! Even when your father died when we were little I hated to see you so sad. You're always sad, and I hate it that I can't do anything to make you happy all the time. You're so handsome when you smile, and you don't do it enough. You haven't smile once all year, and I'm running out of ideas."

Her words touched him deeply. He allowed himself a small smile and pulled her face up to meet his eyes. "Thank you, Meilin. You've always been my best friend. You're the only one who has always been there for me, no matter what."

"I'll be your best friend forever, don't you forget that."

He smiled into her bright brown eyes, caressed her long black hair, and kissed her cheek gently. "We're all grown up and we still don't have anyone else. Do you still want to--"

She stopped him with a laugh then placed a hand over his mouth to keep him from trying again. "Baka. I'm sorry, but you haven't met my qualifications for that anymore. Your heart  _still_  belongs to someone else. Besides, that would just be weird now."

"Why do all the girls love me like a brother suddenly? When did it become so hard for everyone to love me?"

Meilin just laughed, walking over to the swings. "Don't worry. Even if Eriol is too much of an idiot to appreciate my Syaoran there will be  _somebody_  who will love you like that. You just have to stop being so depressed first!"

He gave her a dark look, then shrugged and joined her on the swings. Maybe she was right, maybe that was the key. He imagined meeting someone just like him walking around depressed all the time and tried to imagine falling in love with someone like that. He wouldn't like someone like that, so why should anyone fall for him if he was like that? His heart was still breaking, but he resolved to be a person he would like himself. Soon it came naturally as Meilin came up with ideas on how to have fun. They played on the playground like children again for hours, just enjoying the nostalgia of being back in Japan together.

 

Eriol, Sakura, and Tomoyo sat in silence for a long time after Syaoran left. Finally it was Eriol who broke the silence as the calm mask he had so carefully prepared slipped from him. His face fell and agony showed freely for the first time in front of his friends. "He hates me. He's disgusted with me."

"Why would he hate you," Sakura asked with her usual innocence and genuine concern.

"I don't know. He's the one who asked me, and then he didn't want to talk to me and he was so disgusted with me and I don't know why."

"That doesn't make any sense. Meilin said that Syaoran was heartbroken because you left, so why would you think he hates you?"

Eriol recounted for the girls his account of the morning after. He had tried to call, he had tried to see how Syaoran was feeling, and how he had been met by a tangle of self-hate and disgust from the other boy. He told them how he couldn't bring himself to face that in person, and that was why he had left so abruptly. By the time he was finished he was drained and tired, trying to hold back tears that he was afraid would never stop if they got free.

Sakura and Tomoyo exchanged horrified glances. "Tomoyo-chan, it's our fault! This is terrible!"

Tomoyo just looked back at Sakura sadly, holding her girlfriend's hand trying to seek and give comfort at the same time.

Eriol looked back and forth between them, wondering what they could possibly mean.

Tomoyo started to explain, slowly. "That morning Sakura and I had gone shopping. I was trying to cheer her up because she felt so horrible about hurting Syaoran--she had been crying all night long. She said that she thought no one would ever be able to love her after that, after what she had done to him, because it was too horrible. I told her it wasn't true because I loved her. We were hugging in the middle of the toy shop when Syaoran walked around the shelf and I kissed her and he saw it. He was buying a teddy bear and I thought it was for Sakura to try to win her back and I got angry and we had a huge fight."

Sakura nodded along, then added, "He never turns his cellular phone on unless he's making a call. I used to get upset at him about that all the time, and that's why he wouldn't have answered...."

A strange wash of feelings invaded Eriol at that moment. The strongest were horror, relief, frustration, anger, and pure joy. It  _had_  been a misunderstanding. He actually pinched himself to check if he was just dreaming this again, but the feel of flesh connecting to flesh and actually inflicting pain told him that this was real. He began to smile when the second wave of emotion hit him like a ton of bricks. He had really messed this up, and Syaoran may not be able to forgive him for running away.

"No wonder he hates me."

Sakura looked confused. "Eriol-kun, I thought we just explained--"

Tomoyo stood suddenly. "This is getting silly. Sakura, we're going home. If Hiiragizawa-kun and Li-kun are happier moping and being depressed over each other instead of talking, there isn't anything else we can do.  _However_ , if we stay here and force Hiiragizawa-kun to play host when he should be taking a chance and saying something then we'll never know."

Eriol didn't miss the wink Tomoyo sent his way as she dragged a protesting Sakura out of the room. She was right. It was time to take a chance, and Syaoran was worth any risk in the world to him.

It didn't take long for Eriol to find Syaoran at the park playing with Meilin. He had never seen them looking so carefree and happy, and watching Syaoran with such pure happiness on his face gave Eriol shivers. He watched them for a long time, wishing he could bring himself to join them. He knew that as soon as Syaoran was aware of him the smile would disappear, and he didn't know if it would reappear. Instead, he stayed perched in a tree and watched as long as he could.

Syaoran was chasing Meilin when he suddenly stopped and looked up--right where Eriol had hidden himself. He realized that he had forgotten to hide his aura while he just enjoyed watching them. Cursing himself, he teleported to the base of a closer tree and walked over. Meilin looked startled, then grinned and waved. She walked away, announcing that she'd see them later.

"I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am."

Syaoran stared in silence. He looked stunned and he moved like he wanted to say something, but couldn't quite decide how to respond. He finally blinked a few times and settled on asking, "What?"

"I made the biggest mistake of this lifetime and the last when I left. I was so stupid! I'm sorry. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell you. I understand if you can't forgive me, but I need to try."

A thoughtful frown settled on Syaoran's face, followed by a small tug at the corner of his mouth. His eyes smiled first, followed slowly and cautiously by his mouth. Finally it seemed that Syaoran's entire body was smiling. "Thank you," he said in a husky voice, "It means a lot to me that you don't hate me."

Eriol laughed. "Hate you? I thought you hated me! I couldn't hate you, ever."

"You thought I hated you?" Syaoran laughed too, and together they filled their world with the music of that laughter. "I was hurt and confused, but I haven't hated you since I was a kid. Baka. Why would I have said what I did if I hated you?"

"Forgive me?"

"I will if you forgive me."

"For what?"

"Exactly."


	5. Interlude: Frustration

"Well, did you get the story from Syaoran-kun yet?"

"Yes, and he's such an  _idiot!_  They were so happy with not being hated by the other one that they didn't get past it. Now he's mopey all over again because he wants to tell Eriol he loves him, but he never got up the courage. This is going to take forever!"

"They had a week to tell each other. I thought  _one_  of them would have the courage."

"Sure, Tomoyo-chan. Just like you had the courage to tell Sakura your feelings as soon as you realized them."

"Meilin, that was a totally different situation and you know it."

"Yes, and Syaoran is even more shy than you are, for all that you  _act_  like a demure and soft spoken lady."

"I know. He's shy, I'm just well behaved."

"So, do you want to help me come up with a plan?"

"What about a simple plan? You two just come to visit again soon!"

"It will be another six months before we can find an excuse to get Syaoran to Tomoeda again."

"Why? I would think that confessing his feelings for Eriol-kun would be reason enough to come back sooner than that!"

"Reason, yes. That's not an excuse though."

"I don't understand I guess."

"Tomoyo-chan...you met Syaoran's mom. Remember?"

"But he's an adult! He can make his own decisions."

"He's an adult with a lot of responsibilities to the Clan. His mother is still acting as head of the Li Clan, but she's giving him more and more responsibility all the time--and she's not a person to cross lightly."

"I don't know...when I met his mom she reminded me of my own mother."

"A little, I can see what you mean, but she has  _magic_  and isn't nearly as modern as your mother. That is a big difference."

"True."

"Also...I'm not sure how she would react if Syaoran brought home a guy. It's very important that he has a baby of his own blood to carry on the family line, and it's almost as important that we get a new infusion of magic in the family. It used to be very rare that any of us would be born without magic, but I wasn't the only one in this generation, and now there are others in the next. A lot of us are worried that we won't be any good at protecting the family against a real threat again, and since we're so well known in the magic community that could be a big problem."

"Oh, Meilin, I had no idea...."

"You weren't supposed to. We don't talk about it with outsiders usually, but I thought you should know that this could be a big problem. Syaoran can't just do what he pleases at any time."

"Okay, then I think I have a new plan. I'll have to talk things over with Sakura first, but that shouldn't be a problem. I need to know though, would it be okay if we visit you? All of us?"

"Oh! That's a wonderful idea! But it's so much trouble to go through."

"Not really. I have a business trip coming up and was planning on taking Sakura with me anyway. If we could persuade Eriol to come with us we could get things to work out."

"I don't know. Eriol-san just moved, so he might not want to pick up and go somewhere else so soon."

"It's next month. By that time he'll be climbing the walls and kicking himself for not saying anything to Syaoran while he had the chance."

"Maybe one of them will pick up a phone and call the other like we do."

"Don't be silly, Meilin. They're guys. They don't talk about their feelings on the phone."

 

_one week later…_

"Eriol? Is that you? Why are you calling?"

"Well hello, Syaoran, it's nice to hear from you too...."

"That's not the way I meant it. I just never expected you to call."

"Well, I don't usually. I thought I'd let you know that Tomoyo-chan, Sakura-chan, and I will be in Hong Kong in a few weeks. Tomoyo-chan and Sonomi-san have business there and thought it would be a good vacation too."

"Wait...let me get something to write this down with. Okay, what days?"

"We'll be arriving in the evening on August third and then leaving on the eighteenth. They were planning one week for business and one week for vacation, so Sakura and I will have a week with nothing better to do than visit. Sonomi-san said she wants us all to go sight seeing together, so we shouldn't do too much that first week. That is, if you don't mind. If you have other things to do than keep us company I'm sure I could dredge up some old memories of the area and show Sakura things that the tourists wouldn't know."

"Baka. You'd get lost probably. Hong Kong has changed a lot since Clow's time."

"Of course. What better way to waste time than to have an adventure while you're lost? I'd have Sakura more confused than ever as I tried to find landmarks that have changed over time or mistake one thing for another and get struck with trying to remember things that won't quite come."

"You really can be evil, you know that?"

"Thank you, I try so hard."

"So...was there something else?"

"Not really, but...."

"Yes?"

"I--have something I wanted to tell you."

"Go ahead."

"It's really tempting to say it now so that I'm not so nervous and scared, but I...I think I should say it in person. I guess I shouldn't have said anything at all, I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay."

"Are you smiling? It sounds like you're smiling over there!"

"I think it must be a bad connection because it sounds like you're smiling too."

"Does that mean you're not smiling?"

"I didn't say that. How about you?"

"Maybe."

"I've got to go...I'll see you in a few weeks."

"Yeah. See you then."


	6. Torn Apart

Syaoran wandered through the gardens of his home, smiling and anticipating showing it all off to Eriol. He was giddy with the prospect of sharing such a part of himself to the other man, finally sharing a piece of his history that had nothing to do with Sakura and the cards. The summer flowers were full and bright and the humid air was heavy with their scent. This was August at home, a time and place with memories so full he couldn't express them without showing some of the deepest aspects of them first.

The moment he was no longer alone he knew it and turned stiffly to face his mother. She still intimidated him, though his powers had long surpassed hers. She carried herself with an aura of command at all times and never been demonstrative of her deep love. He knew it was there, but she had always been very formal since her husband, Syaoran's dad, had died.

"Syaoran, we need to talk."

"What do you need, mother?"

She began walking and motioned for him to follow. He couldn't see her face from this vantage, and he suspected that she was doing that on purpose. "Your friends arrive later tonight, yes?"

He smiled wistfully, thinking of Eriol and seeing him again. "Yes."

She sighed sadly and turned to face Syaoran with regret in her eyes. "Forgive me for intruding, but you were not guarding your emotions well. You are in love with a man, Syaoran. You are now the head of the Li clan. We need to talk."

He cursed under his breath, staring at the ground. "That wasn't how I wanted you to find out, mother."

"I've known since you returned from Japan, but I thought nothing would come of it. It has become painfully obvious that such is not the case."

"I don't even know if he likes me in return yet."

"Syaoran, it is your responsibility to do what is best for the Li clan and the magic we have a responsibility to and for."

He sighed, his shoulders slumping miserably. "I suppose that's some sort of threat?"

"No, Syaoran," she said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It is a reminder. We all make sacrifices and do what must be done. You have come to a crossroads in your fate where you must make some hard decisions. I hope you chose wisely."

She turned away, slow and graceful as ever, but he could tell that her aura was tinged with sadness and apprehension. His own earlier joy walked away alongside his mother, replaced by doubt and frustration. He had only a few hours until he had agreed to meet everyone at the airport. Only a few hours to torture himself while trying to figure out if there was a solution that wouldn't destroy who he was, one way or the other.

Those hours passed faster than time has ever passed in history.

 

Eriol couldn't stop smiling as the plane came down. He could already see so many differences in Hong Kong from the window as they descended, but the energy of the city was familiar and felt almost as much like home as London and Tomoeda. All that paled in comparison to the happiness he felt knowing that Syaoran would be meeting them at the airport. He was determined to do this right now, no procrastinating, so that there would be no more doubt and uncertainty between them. They had both been miserable too long.

"Eriol-kun, I'm very glad you are here with us this time." Sakura had leaned in conspiratorially, but there was a hint of hidden amusement about her.

"Ne, Sakura-chan--what do you mean by this time?"

"If we run into another sorceress that Clow-sama scorned we can make  _you_  clean up your  _own_  mess!" She kissed him on the cheek and collapsed in a giggling heap with Tomoyo at the shocked and dismayed look on his face.

"Madoushi--I forgot about her!"

Tomoyo joined in on the teasing. "Obviously! Otherwise we wouldn't have had to deal with her."

"That's not what I mean, Tomoyo-chan."

Sakura was grinning from ear to ear at the effect they suddenly had on him. "It's okay, we understand. You have no control over your prior incarnation's actions after all--but you might want to stay clear of Li Yelan anyway for putting her little boy in danger." The wink she gave him was positively evil.

Eriol regained his composure. "Any worthy sorcerer or sorceress would have been able to deal with Madoushi easily. If she had been able to kill you, Sakura, it would just mean you weren't worthy of the Clow cards. I am glad to see you passed that test as well."

"Test?!?! You call that a test???"

This time he returned her earlier evil wink with one of his own and all three of them were still laughing when they found Syaoran waiting for them near baggage claim. Sonomi had tried to figure out what they were laughing about, but it just made them laugh harder at their inability to explain, so she was the first one to greet Syaoran with a warm handshake.

That gave the three friends time to observe the haunted look on Syaoran's face and killed the laughter they had been so lost in. Each of them followed Sonomi's example and restrained themselves by giving him a formal handshake and a questioning glance. He maintained his silence until they left.

"I would like to take all of you out for dinner if I may send your luggage ahead."

Sonomi gracefully refused, saying she didn't want to intrude on a reunion among friends, but reminded Tomoyo that they had an early morning ahead. She ordered a taxi and went directly to the hotel, leaving the limo waiting for the four friends. They were subdued until they had their privacy, then Sakura broke the silence.

"Syaoran! You look terrible! What's wrong?"

"I--I just--I have a lot to think about."

Tomoyo threw her hands in the air out of exasperation. "You've been thinking for  _months!_  What more do you have to think about?"

"No Tomoyo-chan. This is something recent. My mother, today, took me aside to remind me of a few things. As soon as I reached my majority I became head of the Li clan, and that gives me certain responsibilities."

Eriol nodded his understanding and grabbed Syaoran's hand in a comforting gesture. It seemed to have the opposite effect though. Syaoran suddenly looked like he could shatter into a million pieces if not for an iron willpower straining to keep everything together. Syaoran then looked away, out at the city lights as the passed, and those lights reflected on shimmering eyes that were bright with unshed tears. Finally the dreaded words came from a voice choked with emotion.

"Please, don't touch me tonight Eriol-kun. Thank you for your concern, but I just can't. Not right now."

After that the silence was total.

 

 

Syaoran couldn't stop the flow of his thoughts as they went down an ever descending spiral. He knew there had to be some way to make everything work out, but he couldn't find it. He could admit his love and turn his back on everything that had always been important to him including so many people who looked up to him. He could do his duty and abandon the love that was now so important to him. No matter what he decided he would be killing off a large part of who he was. He couldn't see anything else, and he knew he should have seen this coming long before now.

Dinner had been a quiet affair until he forced himself to make light conversation. It was something he wasn't good at, but Tomoyo was, and she got the hint easily. By dessert there were tinkles of false laughter falling around his shattered nerves, but it was just the distraction he needed. Being irritated was far better than the alternative.

It was with a heavy sigh that they finally parted ways at the doors of the hotel. "Sakura, you and Eriol are still welcome to visit tomorrow at my house. I don't know what kind of company I will be, but mother would be disappointed if you didn't come over."

"Oh, I'll be there. I can't wait to visit your house again. It's so beautiful! Oh, and Meilin will be there too, right?"

"She said she'd make it a point to visit, yes. I almost forgot--she told me to send her apologies for not being here tonight, but she had a date." He didn't add the second half of the excuse, that she wanted the four of them to have been on a double date. That hadn't exactly happened because of his own preoccupation and anxiety over the future and the decision staring him down. "She promised details tomorrow, so I won't spoil her surprise, but she's happy and I'm being forced to be grouchy and overprotective."

Tomoyo and Eriol smiled while Sakura jumped up and down, clapping her hands and crying, "I'm so happy for her!"

It was Syaoran's only smile that night.

Morning came too soon and Syaoran paced in anticipation. He still couldn't bring himself to make a decision, but Sakura was the only one who took up the offer to visit. His shoulders drooped in a mixture of disappointment and relief when she walked in alone.

They socialized with his family for a short time, but his sisters were all married and didn't have much time to spend away from their homes. His mother spent the most time with them, but she realized before they did that they needed to talk alone about some things. Yelan finally gave Sakura a gentle hug and Syaoran a supportive smile before she left the room.

"Okay, Syaoran, now you need to tell me everything. Your last letter said you were excited and had something special planned, and now you're acting like the world is coming to an end."

"Sakura-chan, I feel like a complete idiot. I've been walking around with my head in the clouds this entire time, and I shouldn't be surprised that I tripped over a rock in the path." He told her about what his mother said yesterday in the garden, and about the spin his mind had been in since.

"This is terrible! I don't think any of us thought about this, but we should have. I'm sorry."

"I can't make this kind of decision, I feel like I'll be shattered and just a shell of who I was no matter what choice I made. Some time around midnight I even thought about telling mother that he's Clow Reed's reincarnation just so she'd  _have_  to accept him, but I can't do that to him. He deserves to be his own person too, and accepted or rejected on his own merits. It wouldn't be fair. To either of us. But I'm so desperate that the thought still nags me as an easy fix."

"You're right Syaoran. That wouldn't be right or fair for anyone. I can see why it's tempting, but I'm glad you wouldn't do that."

"But...what  _can_  I do? Sakura, I was going to tell him that I love him. I really do. That's why this is tearing me apart inside. I never thought I would be in this situation."

"What we need is some good advice from someone wise."

"What?"

She didn't answer right away. Instead she walked over to his phone, pulled out a phone card, and started making a phone call--to Japan. He didn't recognize the number she rattled off by heart, but he had a feeling that this was going to turn into a very awkward moment.

"Sakura, who are you calling?"

"Well, I was thinking, who do I know who has been in this kind of situation? Well, I wondered if maybe Clow Reed had, but maybe not exactly, and besides--it would be too much to ask Eriol to solve his own relationship problems. But I know someone else who was there and had to help Clow through his problems and lived through it himself."

"Oh God, not the plush toy!"

"No, Kero-chan doesn't know anything about relationships." She laughed.

That's when it dawned on him.

"Besides, Yue-san has been a lot more friendly and helpful since he and Yukito-san have merged completely. I'm sure he would help you now."

He could feel the blush burning on his face like a wildfire and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep himself from stammering as she handed him the phone insistently. "Sa-Sakura-chan! This is a little awkward for me to--"

"Tsukishiro desu!"

He stared at her huge, seemingly innocent smile as he tried to think of what to say. When had she started pretending to be innocent to cover up how evil she really was. This was something Eriol would have done all those years ago, just to see him sweat! He wondered idly if the Clow Cards had an evil influence on people as he turned around to concentrate fully on the conversation.


	7. Final Interlude : Friendly Advice

"…kura-chan! This is a little awkward for me to--"

"Tsukishiro desu!"

"Um...this is Li Syaoran. Sakura-chan said I should call you."

"Oh! She's visiting you right now, isn't she? Tell her I said hi."

"Okay--"

"Syaoran-kun, you sound depressed. Is that why she wanted you to call?"

"It's more sinister than that--she called and handed off the phone to me."

"I can almost feel the glare you're giving her, but you'll only make her laugh that way."

"How did you know?"

"Don't sound so surprised! Magic, Syaoran-kun. Or did you forget?"

"You sound so happy that it's hard for me to remember. I was home when--"

"Relax. I'm not offended! What do you need?"

"Sakura-chan said I should ask your advice."

"Sakura-san seems to have been saying a lot today, but that's not what I asked. What do you need?"

"Relationship advice."

"Why do you think I--I mean, why does Sakura-chan think I can help?"

"Prior experience? Wisdom of the ages?"

"Isn't Eriol already over there? Why don't you two ask him?"

"Ha, ha. Very funny."

"I was serious actually."

"Because...he's half of the problem."

"..."

"Are you still there? Did we get disconnected?"

"I-I'm here. That just blindsided me. Sorry."

"Kisama--I knew this was a bad idea. I'm sorry I called, I'll--"

"No, it's okay. I think I might be able to help really."

"So it's true? You and--"

"That was a long time ago. Clow Reed is dead, why should it feel strange for Hiiragizawa Eriol and Tsukishiro Yukito be able to move on?"

"..."

"If Sakura-chan thinks I could help you, I want to help you. I have Touya now, so stop feeling guilty."

"...Okay. This is just getting more and more weird the more I keep talking though."

"Don't hang up, don't give up, let me see if I can make this easier. You're in love with Eriol-san. You are reasonably sure he returns your feelings. Somehow your family found out, and now you feel pressured to cut things off. Am I warm?"

"Dead on. I have a duty to the family to help strengthen the magic so we can maintain our responsibilities. I can't do that with another guy."

"Ah, you mean children. Touya and I have talked about adopting, but I don't think that's an option for your particular circumstance."

"Exactly. We need more magic in the family, and I need a child who will carry on my gift."

"I don't have a solution for you, Syaoran. I'm sorry."

"I don't know if there is a solution. I have to decide which choice I could live with myself after."

"I--I think you should follow your heart Syaoran. True love is rare and hard to find. The solution for your other problem will probably be a lot easier to find, and it's always easier to solve problems with help."

"You think there is a solution then?"

"I don't know, but as long as you're willing to try I don't think anyone in your family could fault you. I remember that your mother seemed very cold when we met her, but she loves you very much."

"She's the one who told me I have to make a choice."

"What if she didn't mean you have to choose between your duty or you love? What if the decision you have to make is between letting her run your life or deciding what is best for yourself."

"What?"

"She loves you and she's proud of you. She's been grooming you for this position your entire life. Let's just say I have a feeling that this could be one last test and one last lesson before she feels comfortable about letting you fulfill your destiny."

"I...I--wow. I have a feeling that you might be right. Even if it isn't, it's still my decision to make. I have to do what I think is best for everyone, including myself and Eriol. Thank you! I can't tell you how much this has helped me!"

"Good! Tell your mother and your sisters that Touya and I said hi, okay? Wait...To-ya, be nice...Tell your mother that Touya and I said hi. Tell your sisters that  _I_  said hi. Better?"

"I will!"

"By the way, Touya wants you to tell Sakura that she's an underhanded and devious monster for pulling this on you, but he applauds her this time."

"I'm not telling her that!"

"I only told you because he threatened to burn supper if I didn't."

"Okay, okay, I'll tell her you both said hi."

"I'll see you next time you visit! Bye!"

"Bye."

"Sakura-chan! Your brother wanted me to tell you that you're an underhanded and devious monster for doing this to me! I'm quoting, I swear! Wait! No! Stop tickling! Okay, okay, I left some of it off--"


	8. Three Little Words

Eriol paced the room, wanting to run away forever where no one would find him or ever touch his heart again, but also wanting to run into Syaoran's arms with blind faith. He remembered a time when he had been more confident, more sure of himself. Before the soul-shattering breakup with Kaho he had been a risk-taker. Before then he would have never left Syaoran the first time on that winter morning. Before he and Kaho had destroyed each other so thoroughly he would never have locked himself in a hotel when he could be announcing that he had fallen completely in love.

He didn't talk about it. He liked to pretend it had never happened.

_You want to turn me into something I'm not!_

_Oh? And what did you expect of me? At least I'm not trying to turn you into something you used to be!_

_You'll never be half the man Clow Reed was, and you're just a scared little boy looking to me to assure you that you are just as wonderful by yourself. You've been growing in his shadow too long for that to happen, and now you can't be either!_

_You're just using me to get closer to a dead man's power!_

_I'm not the one who is dead!_

Eriol shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself. He had turned her into something dark; she had turned him into something small. No one else knew just how deep she had hurt him, or just how much she had changed him. He pretended she had never existed, but these were the moments when he couldn't ignore the effects of her final words to him.

_We haven't loved each other for a long time, if we ever did. I thought you were powerful and secure, and you let me believe it. I've had enough of illusions and games, I've wasted too much of my life believing in something you can't give me. I sincerely hope you grow up before you make another mistake like this again, because it would be terrible knowing you've made someone else waste their life as I've wasted mine._

The words were clearly  _meant_  to cut him to the core, and they had--but they were also sincere. Maybe that's what had hurt so much about what she said. She had been so cold, so cruel, and so  _mean_  to him in the end. Their last fight had been so vicious that Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun had stood ominously...threateningly at his side to protect their master from harm. They had almost come to blows, they had each raised their power to do real harm to each other. It was Eriol who finally--broke. He fell to his knees, sobbing at her feet, telling her she could have anything in the world as long as she would just stop hating him.

She said she just wanted her freedom, and then left him with the words that had broken his spirit in a final blow.

"I'm back! I know I'm early, but Mother will be staying behind for the details this time by herself. She said--"

Tomoyo had happily entered the main room of their suite with a cheerfulness that only she could maintain after half a day of business meetings. She immediately froze though when her eyes fell on Eriol. "Eriol-kun, you--you've been crying! You look terrible! I haven't seen you look so shattered since that day I convinced you to move after...."

"I've been thinking a lot about  _her_  today. I don't do it much, but I just couldn't stop and the memories just kept coming and wouldn't leave me alone."

Tomoyo was the only one who hadn't been there at the time who ever saw him so shattered over Kaho's loss. Tomoyo had been his safety valve and confidant when he tried to get his head back together. He had moved back to Tomoeda after the breakup just to be closer to Tomoyo because he didn't yet realize he had to leave behind England to leave behind the pain. "Why now? Why do her barbs still sting? You can't fool me Hiiragizawa Eriol, I  _know_  that look in your eyes and I know you're replaying those terrible things she said."

"Your sense of observation is almost a magic of its own, Tomoyo-chan. I just can't stop thinking that maybe she was right about me. I'm a fraud living off the glory of someone else. I can never be Clow, but I can no longer be Eriol either. I'm nothing, I'm not worth fighting for, and Syaoran just figured it out faster than Kaho did is all."

"Stop it! Just because one person you thought you loved didn't appreciate who you are doesn't mean you are doomed to be unlovable! If Sakura-chan hadn't finally loved me back I would have--"

"No, Tomoyo-chan. We would have made each other miserable, clinging together just because of our broken hearts. It wouldn't have been healthy. I'm glad it never happened."

She slumped in a chair, defeated. "We have two weeks. Please, don't give up yet. Mizuki-sensei was wrong for you, that's all."

"You really don't think she was right?"

"I think she said some terrible things just to hurt you because she was hurting too. She knew exactly how to hurt you the most, and she won. You don't need to carry that garbage with you forever. In fact, please don't."

He shook his head, looking out over the city from the window. He could superimpose images from Clow's memories onto the modern menagerie below him and the contrast fascinated him. Each was a jewel of individuality that sparkled with a life of its own. He realized that not everyone would recognize that beauty, or would fail to see the wonder of each view once they had looked closer. The analogy thrust itself upon him and he could feel Clow's essence telling him that he was the same. He could be himself and Clow Reed without losing his individuality, and not everyone would be able to see or appreciate the value of the difference between them.

He had to have faith that someone would, eventually.

No, he had to have faith that Syaoran would. Today. He was tired of letting Kaho have this much control over his insecurities and actions, even after she had torn his heart in two and cruelly cast him aside. Just because they had been wrong together didn't mean he was wrong as a person. There were still risks worth taking. Risks were never safe after all, and this time he knew he would get up again if he fell flat on his face. There would be no more running away.

"Tomoyo-chan, how do we get to Syaoran's house? It's time to get everything out in the open, where we can all deal with problems as they come up instead of wondering what surprise will pop out at us next." He had his old smile back suddenly and his eyes shone in a way that no one had seen since their childhood.

 

Syaoran paced, excited and impatient since his phone conversation with Yue. Or Yukito. Syaoran supposed that either name was equally valid, especially since he had sounded so happy and friendly the way Yukito had always been. The merge had been good for them, Syaoran mused, pacing across the room again.

"You're making me dizzy, Syaoran-kun. Can't you sit down?"

"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan. Meilin should have been here an hour ago, and I have this urge to just leave and go to your hotel to talk to Eriol-kun, but we can't just leave without Meilin. I'm getting a little worried about her too, and this is  _not_  a good day for me to be worrying more."

Sakura just laughed. "Relax! We have two weeks! A few hours is not going to make that much of a difference, I promise. If it does make an earth-shattering difference I'll make it up to you." At this she fingered the magic key she wore around her neck, giving him a significant  _look_.

"Don't you have anything better to waste your magic on, Sakura?" He gave her a mocking look followed by a grateful smile.

"Let's see. I can slowly sit here and forget everything I ever knew about magic and let my talent go to waste, or I could help two of my best friends find happiness. Gee, you're right! What could I have been thinking of?"

They shared a long laugh until Meilin finally came running in, out of breath and looking like she had just woken up. Her hair was even hanging down, free from the usual cute style she still loved so much.

"I'm sorry! I overslept, I was up really late last night, and I'm so sorry I'm late."

"If you were up late for the reasons I think you were up late it will be my duty to kill your boyfriend. You know that...."

"Syaoran! It wasn't that, I swear! I just--I had a lot to think about...."

Sakura bounced over to her friend, wrapping her in a big hug. "Does this mean you have news?"

"I might...or I might just have a broken heart."

"Oh no! Tell me all about it."

The two girls sat on the couch together, catching up on things that just couldn't be said in letters. Syaoran knew part of the story already. Meilin had been dating an American named David Tatom for about a month now, and it had been steadily getting more serious. She hadn't introduced him to any of the family yet though, and Syaoran was starting to wonder exactly  _how_  he was supposed to react. Especially when Meilin tearfully confessed to Sakura, "He said he has to return home next week, but last night he also said that he loves me."

"HE WHAT???" Syaoran was shocked by this--and admitted he might be feeling overprotective.

"I don't know what to do! He's so sincere, and he's a perfect gentleman, but he's leaving so soon and I don't know when he'll ever be back. This is terrible! He didn't know he'd have to return so soon until yesterday, but now...."

Syaoran and Sakura both comforted Meilin while she sat going from happy about being loved to sad about losing her chance. Finally Syaoran couldn’t take it any more. "Meilin, do you love him?"

"I don't know yet, but I think I might. I don't want to though if he's just going to leave!"

Syaoran paused as Sakura caught his eye. She gave him an encouraging nod and smile, so he nodded in understanding and went on. "If you love him, and if he truly loves you, it will work out somehow. You might have to be patient, but it will work out."

He was nearly suffocated by the hugs of both girls as they thanked him and told him how wonderful he was. Things degenerated to pure play from there as they all teased each other and occasionally thumped one another with throw pillows. The Li home had not been filled with that much laughter for as long as Syaoran could remember, even when his nieces and nephews visited. It felt good and right though, like it was something that had been sorely missing despite the feeling he had growing up that such antics would be frowned upon.

In fact, they had been making so much noise--mostly at Syaoran's expense as the two girls ganged up on him--that they didn't notice when they had company. It was the addition of another girl's giggles that made the three of them look toward the door where Tomoyo and Eriol stood grinning.

Sakura gasped. "Syaoran! We were supposed to head back to the hotel! I'm sorry we got sidetracked like this."

"No. It's probably a good thing we didn't go, or we might have missed the whole reason for going. If Meilin had been on time on the other hand...."

"Oh, sure, blame it all on me!" Meilin pretended to be hurt by the statement, placing a hand to her forehead and collapsing back into the couch. "Me, the poor girl who is having her heart so cruelly broken by fate."

Syaoran rolled his eyes, used to his cousin's melodramatics. "Come on in, sit down, make yourselves at home." He stood as he gestured them all in, then when his friends were all seated he deliberately sat next to Eriol. They looked into each other's eyes and smiled.

"We need to talk."

They said it in unison, causing the girls to laugh and exclaim at how cute their "boys" were. Syaoran blushed furiously while Eriol just laughed along. A moment later they tried again.

"In private."

Again it was simultaneous.

This time the girls exchanged ecstatic looks and chorused, "KAWAII!!!" The three of them collapsed in hopeless laughter as Syaoran jumped to his feet, grabbed Eriol's hand, and dragged the other man out into the garden.

 

Eriol smiled softly, taking in the beauty of the garden around him as Syaoran dragged him to the shaded canopy of a willow. It was a very private spot in the garden, one that had been almost the same in Clow's time. Some of the trees nearby had been replaced while others were considerably older, but each tree represented an influence of Western magic that he, himself had brought to the family grounds. It made him shiver as he hid under the willow tree, bringing back memories both painful and pleasant.

They were just memories though, so he quickly shoved them aside. He knew, without being told, that Syaoran was showing off his secret spot where he had always had privacy. "Is this the first time you've brought someone here?"

"Yes. I'm the only one who ever comes to this part of the garden. The ancient magic here always called to me and somehow protected my privacy while I was here."

"I imagine it would," Eriol said with a contemplative smile. "I'm honored you have brought me here. You have truly turned this spot into your own."

Syaoran glanced at him with a rueful grin. "You know this area--I should have known."

"Please. We didn't come out here to talk about Clow Reed, did we?"

"Of course not."

"Good. Then I'll go first since I'm already talking and I want to say this before I figure out a way to stop myself again. I love you, Li Syaoran. It may not solve a bloody thing in your life right now, but I needed to let you know that, and I wanted to make sure you know that no matter what obstacles you face, I want to be there to help you face them down."

Syaoran nodded with a gentle smile on his face and reached out to touch Eriol's cheek. Eriol could feel his own palms start to sweat and his heart was racing. His words had started a nervous flutter in his stomach that only got worse at the soft touch of Syaoran's hand. The world stood still as he waited for Syaoran's response. Finally Syaoran dropped his hand and half turned away as if overwhelmed by the words he was about to say.

"Last night, and even early this morning, those words would have shattered me into a million pieces that I could never have put back together. The hardest thing I've ever done was to tell you to stop touching me last night because I felt I had to decide between you and my family. I realized that it's an impossible choice; one that would kill me no matter what I decided. No one has the right or the power to make me pick one over the other, so I decide to follow my heart and do my duty the best I can. If there are people who think I can't do both, I will face them down and show them just how wrong they are."

"You'll be a stronger leader for that," Eriol nodded sagely, smiling triumphantly.

"The Li clan deserves no less than my best, and I could not be my best without you. I love you too, Hiiragizawa Eriol. And  _that_  is the solution to a lot of things."

The boughs of the tree swayed in a gentle summer breeze, causing spots of sunlight to shift and dance across their skin. Eriol thought that Syaoran had never looked so wonderful as he did at that moment, kissed by sparkles of sun and surrounded by magic currents that flowed and harmonized with each other. His heart raced as they moved closer together and erased the space between their bodies. His skin burned with the contact even with the barrier of their clothes between them, and he knew he had to kiss Syaoran now or the sensation would drive him insane. His hand reached up to thread pale fingers into the auburn hair. The silky softness of the strands caught in his fingers sent a shiver through his body and his eyes were losing their ability to focus. It was an overload of stimulation, and he almost couldn't believe he was about to push himself beyond even that limit.

His eyes slid closed and he moved steadily closer to the lips that awaited his own. At first the kiss was a brush of pliant silk, just grazing across the sensitive skin of their lips. Then Eriol brought it closer, a firm caress of his lips against the other's...and finally firm contact as they found exactly how to fit their lips together. His mouth opened in a gasp of pleasure and Syaoran didn't hesitate to take advantage of that breach by sliding his tongue to meet Eriol's and taste his beloved's mouth.

Eriol moaned, caressing the other tongue with his own, tasting the innocent flavor of Syaoran's mouth and reveling in the intimate contact. He lost himself in that sensation, forgetting every other kiss he'd ever shared with Kaho, Yue, or anyone else over either lifetime. Nothing had ever been so precious to him before, and this kiss became the entire universe of Hiiragizawa Eriol. He pulled back slightly to disengage the kiss, only to nibble on Syaoran's lower lip and then rain kisses across his cheek until he reached the delicate ear. As he kissed, nibbled, and suckled Syaoran's earlobe he could feel his partner melt into his arms. Then he finally whispered those three little words into his ear, "I love you." Pulling back, Eriol gazed deeply into Syaoran's eyes as they opened to meet his and he could see equal parts passion and love in those eyes.

"I love you too," he uttered softly, but then a shock ran through him and he pulled away. "I'm sorry, we have to stop now. We're about to have company."

They tried to compose themselves quickly, breaking the tension of the moment they had shared. Eriol was sure there was no fooling anyone who saw them though--it was too obvious to anyone who knew what to look for. He noted that Syaoran's skin was still flushed, his eyes were dilated, his lips were especially red and pouty, his hair was more mussed than usual, and it was a good thing he wore baggy pants--wait, no, don't look there! Don't think of pants! Aaah! This was impossible!

Then the crisp and cool aura of Li Yelan descended upon them both and those thoughts were instantly gone. She was followed by Sakura, Tomoyo, and Meilin who gave the guys sheepish and almost guilty looks. Yelan's mouth quirked a bit with some hidden expression as she took in the appearance of the boys who were looking a little guilty themselves.

Eriol defiantly reached to hold Syaoran's hand, giving him an encouraging squeeze.  _I'm here to support you, no matter what,_  he assured his love telepathically. He then looked over to Li Yelan with a confident smile. He reminded himself that he had no reason to bow to this woman's will. He just hoped Syaoran realized it as well.


	9. Comfort

Syaoran gave Eriol's hand a nervous squeeze in return as his mother pierced him with her sharpest gaze. He had never felt so nervous, but he tried to keep the words of advice Yue had given him firmly in mind. This could just be a test to see if Syaoran was worthy of leading the Li Clan--it could be her way of assuring herself that he would do what it took to do his duty. In the end though, he had to make the decision he could live with and live with the consequences, no matter what. He hoped it was a test, but it didn't matter one way or the other because he had made a choice and would now stick to it.

"Does this mean you have reached your decision?"

"Yes Mother, it does. Eriol is the one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with."

"What about children? What about strengthening the Clan? What about upholding tradition?"

"Each of those questions weigh heavily on my mind. I don't yet have all the answers, but I will be better able to find those answers with someone I love and trust by my side. Though, about upholding tradition--some traditions are more important than others." The last sentence he added softly, unsure to what extent he meant it or how his mother would take it.

Li Yelan simply nodded, looking as regal as ever. "Indeed, some traditions are more important than others. Especially when it comes to magic. It is up to you to weigh their importance now, I have done the best I could with what I was given. I hope you will be the same."

"Mother?"

"You don't remember your father, but he questioned many things also. He made many mistakes at first, and learned from them. When the burden fell on my shoulders I had learned from his mistakes as well, seeing them as his equal and confidante. The training and teaching I have given you has been as a superior, so you must take what I have given you and give it shape and form as  _you_  will. I am done, this is no longer my burden to bear, though I will gladly give you what advice you need."

"Yue-san was right--"

Eriol cocked his head to the side, then smiled knowingly. "He usually is, but what about this time?"

"Sakura-chan made me call him for advice," Syaoran admitted, blushing. "He helped me realize that I couldn't look at this in black and white--and that I should follow my heart."

Yelan nodded. "Great leaders seek great advisors." Her face then broke out in the first genuine smile Syaoran could remember her wearing. "The path you have chosen will not be an easy one, but I am happy to see that you have surrounded yourself with good and wise friends. The elders would have been much more pleased if you had decided to marry Sakura since any children the two of you had would be bound to have very strong magic. That is no longer a concern though, so we must accept the present as it stands."

Tomoyo stepped forward hesitantly at this point, bursting with the need to say something. Still, she was very formal as she addressed Syaoran's mother. "Li-sama, if I may say something?"

"Daidouji-san, I am most interested in what you have to say." Yelan gave her a knowing smile, sending Syaoran into a spiral of confusion.

"Sakura-chan and I have been looking into having a child as well, and I have looked into many modern methods. It may still be within the realm of possibility, if--" Tomoyo broke off, looking back and forth between Sakura and Syaoran.

Yelan simply nodded, but Syaoran suspected that while he had been busy with Eriol the women had already hammered this out behind his back. "That is a possibility," she said, looking at her son and Eriol for reactions. "It is something that must be discussed another day though. Children are a great commitment, and my son has only just found his heart. I would like to simply celebrate their happiness today; the responsibilities of tomorrow will come soon enough."

Syaoran laughed, deciding to play along with their game. "At least we know that the possibility is open, so that's one less thing to worry about." Sure enough, a look of triumph reached the faces of the women to varying degrees. This much had been discussed and set up ahead of time. He shook his head, then turned to Eriol to see his reaction.

The same patient amusement that drove Syaoran crazy years ago had returned to Eriol's countenance. This time it just drove him crazy in a  _different_  way. "It is always good to be aware of the options," he said with a sparkle in his eye. "The scientific methods would probably be a lot easier than the magical solution Clow Reed had to find too. It was costly and took a lot of energy."

Syaoran gasped. "There  _is_  a spell for that?"

Eriol chuckled, raising Syaoran's hand to his lips as he murmured softly, "Yue was a very demanding, insecure, and jealous lover--and Clow Reed felt it was his duty to beget an heir. This is hardly the first time the Li Clan has faced this particular dilemma. I think I must be a bad influence."

Syaoran tried to listen, but he was distracted by the weakness in his knees and the stirring in his--heart as silken lips brushed across the back of his hand. The intimate gesture and the look in Eriol's deep blue-gray eyes as he did it set Syaoran's skin on fire all over. He swallowed, hard, blinking as he tried to keep his eyes from glazing over.

The girlish titters from behind him turned the flush of pleasure into a blush of embarrassment as he realized that they still had an audience. It was going to take a great effort of will not to lose himself in emotion at moments like this. He wondered if anyone truly possessed that much willpower.

 

_New Year's Eve:_

"I'll have to say this--it was one of the most  _interesting_  years of my life." Syaoran and Eriol cuddled on the couch in Eriol's mansion in Tomoeda, watching the fire roar in the fireplace before them. "Painful and wonderful all rolled in to twelve short months."

Syaoran just shrugged, sipping his hot chocolate and then giving Eriol a smile that sent shivers through him. "It hasn't exactly been a happily ever after, but I guess this as close as life can actually give us."

"We make our own happily ever after. Just because it's hard work doesn't mean we haven't reached it." He smiled at Syaoran with all the happiness of his soul, wrapping an arm around his love and finding a sense of completeness in the action. It just felt so right to hold the other mage so close, being able to share all aspects of his life with the one he loved. He hadn't been able to do that to this degree before, in either lifetime.

The look of happiness that Syaoran wore these days told Eriol that he wasn't alone in this feeling. They had found true love, the kind that only happened once in a lifetime if you were lucky. All the heartache, all the confusion, everything they had been through was worth it in the end.

"Everyone will be here for the party soon. We should finish getting ready."

"Relax, love. Between Ruby and Spinel there's nothing left to worry about. I promise."

Syaoran chuckled. "I never thought I'd admit this, but those two are growing on me. They're perfect guardians for you."

Eriol just grinned. "I'm so glad they finally have your approval."

"Sorry...I just, I thought Ruby-chan was the most annoying creature ever at first. Then I realized that she would just do anything to cheer you up, even at the expense of her dignity. I can't fault her for that."

"Li-san!!! I didn't know you cared!" Eriol managed to barely get away as his enthusiastic moon guardian glomped Syaoran. "I'm so glad I got you two back together! Mizuki-san was never as much fun, she just ignored me." She pouted cutely, making Eriol laugh despite himself.

"I take it back! You are  _still annoying!!!_  Get off of me!"

Syaoran kept pretending to be annoyed beyond belief while Ruby Moon played at being both hurt and flattered. Eriol laughed, seeing through them both enough to know that as long as they bickered everything was fine between them. Syaoran was right--a lot of Ruby's enthusiasm stemmed from her desire to make him happy. When he had created Ruby and Spinel he had been very sad and lonely. They had become more than just guardians, they had been his best friends. Eriol didn't think anyone would be able to understand that, but Syaoran had just surprised him by coming to that conclusion on his own.

Eriol's laughter reached a peak and the other two exchanged a triumphant smile. "Don't. Ever. Change. Either of you." He gave them each a hug, then ran off to answer the door a moment before the doorbell rang. He couldn't think of many times in his life that he had been happier, and each of those times also included Syaoran.

 

Syaoran couldn't stop smiling. It seemed like everything was working out for everyone. Meilin was the only person at the party without a date, but she had been babbling away all evening in English with Eriol, trying to master the complicated language before she left for America. Syaoran had tried to keep up, but there were a lot of other things he had to concentrate on lately and Meilin was now so fluent that when she spoke with Eriol, Syaoran could only recognize one in five words. She would be chasing after her own happily ever after soon to surprise David Tatom and prove just how much he meant to her. They had continued writing since he had returned to his home, and they were just growing more deeply in love.

Sakura was glowing with happiness, showing off Tomoyo's latest dress with more confidence than she had ever shown before. They were leaving town tomorrow night to go on a romantic vacation since their anniversary was in only a few days.

Happiness flowed through the room, giving everyone the promise of a grand new year ahead.

Syaoran smiled gently before he slipped upstairs and then out on the balcony to think. The night was overcast as he stepped outside, giving a hint of texture to the darkness. Small flakes of snow fell gently, and when they caught the light from inside it seemed they became small stars to make up for the ones hidden by the blanket of clouds.

He was already outside when he realized he wasn't alone. "Sorry, I didn't know anyone was out here."

"No, you're not intruding. I was thinking of going back inside to warm up anyway if you were looking to be alone." Silver cat's eyes shifted suddenly to a more natural amber and Tsukishiro Yukito's brilliant smile turned on him full force.

Syaoran was proud of himself. The inevitable blush wasn't quite enough to melt all the snow within a mile, and he somehow found the ability to speak. He was still helpless to the effect this creature had on him, but knowing that the magic was the source of the infatuation and now being utterly in love put things at a manageable level for him. Hell, even the urge to run away was just a faint suggestion in the back of his mind instead of an overpowering command. Another hundred years and he'd be totally over his first crush....

"I'm actually glad I ran into you. I don't think I thanked you enough for your advice. I almost blew it and lost everything that meant anything to me. I feel like I owe you a lot." Syaoran moved to lean against the rail, deciding it was safer for his sanity to look out over the landscape.

"I probably owe you just as much," the other man admitted softly.

"Me? How???"

"Becoming a single person was more of a gradual process than others seemed to recognize--and the hardest part was merging the dichotomy of my heart. The part of me that was just Yukito loved only Touya with his entire heart--and the part of me that was just Yue loved Clow with an eternal and undying love. It's one of those things that kept me awake at night arguing with myself when no one else could hear. When everything with the cards had been resolved and Eriol-sama revealed his secrets, he told me to feel free to visit and talk to him about old times with Clow. A few years ago I did, and it tore me apart to see him so miserable with Mizuki-san. I already didn't like her much for hurting Touya. I--I fought with myself more than ever after that.

"Now though, Eriol-sama is no longer the ghost of Clow Reed. With you he is himself, and he's happier than ever. I was able to stop fighting with myself and torturing myself over him. I'm finally at peace with being one person."

Syaoran turned on him with huge eyes, shocked at the confession. "Are you--I mean--You're not jealous, are you?"

Yue laughed, then assumed his true form. "Are you?"

Syaoran couldn't help but imagine that form in the arms of Clow Reed, knowing that Eriol remembered those days when-- "Maybe a little," he admitted, flushing and looking away again.

A pale glow of energy told him that Yue had assumed his false form again, but the gentle laugh was the same. "That is your answer then. Neither of us have anything to fear, we both have our own loves, but--"

"Yeah."

"I was trying to thank you, not widen the rift. Don't look so glum."

"I just have a lot to think about. But--thank you." Syaoran smiled over at Yue and was happy to see the genuine smile that met him. "I'm glad you're happy too."

They were both silent for a while, then Yue left Syaoran with his reflections. The shadows took form behind him as soon as Yue was gone, then Eriol silently came up and wrapped his arms around Syaoran. "You heard." Syaoran knew the magical currents in this place well enough now to know that Eriol had been listening the whole time.

"Yes. It seems we're all healing and finding happiness."

"I'm happier now than I ever thought I could be. A year ago I had just bought that damned diamond ring and was making myself miserable trying to see what the future would hold. Now, I finally have found a future that fills me with hope."

"Me too, Syaoran. We still have a lot ahead of us, but I am glad we'll be facing it together."

They held each other close, watching the snow fall together, content to live in that moment. They had sought solace from the wounds love had inflicted, only to find love in each other. The clock down the hall chimed softly, announcing the New Year gently while the cheers from downstairs gave a more boisterous rendition. Syaoran felt Eriol shift, pulling him around and closer for a kiss.

"It's tradition to kiss in the New Year...I think it brings good luck."

Their lips met, fitting together with practiced ease. Syaoran inhaled the scent of his lover, cinnamon and sandalwood with a hint of vanilla. It was a smell that never failed to drive him crazy and make him think of devouring his dark-haired love. Syaoran deepened the kiss, needing to taste the mouth that captivated him so. Their tongues lazily met, dancing around each other and caressing each other with a familiar touch. The slow pace did not speak for the passion building between them though--Syaoran's hands were shaking as he held Eriol close and caressed the blue-black strands of his hair. When they finally pulled apart Syaoran was delighted to see the tiny snowflakes like gems slowly melting into Eriol's midnight hair.

"I'm freezing and we have guests, let's go downstairs before get too wrapped up in each other."

Eriol stood still a moment longer, holding Syaoran's trembling hands in his own warm ones. "About what I overheard--thank you."

"Nani?" Syaoran shook his head, impatient to head back to the warmth in front of the fireplace, but at once he stilled, realizing that this was something important to Eriol.

"Thank you for loving me. Just me."

"Silly--who else would I love?" With a sweep of an arm he wrapped Eriol up next to him, dragging his love back inside.


End file.
